ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
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Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
no refunds