Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
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Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Interior design 👌
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’