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Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Great Canadian literature.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies