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Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
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It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
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The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
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This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer