Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
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I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
can’t wait til they legalize outside
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey