Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
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I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!