Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
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My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no