“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
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ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Rather alarming headline…
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields