I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
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Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
The options really are this bad
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you