I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
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I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Liquor Store Parking
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?