Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
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Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.