*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
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Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
sry
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.