I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
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SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.