I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
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doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum