I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
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[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Not even remotely sorry.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot