You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
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[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!