puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
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“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.