I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
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God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.