i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
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had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’