Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
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NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
The only good comments section online is on recipes
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
he chose this
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
this is the most humiliating day of my life
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…