Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
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DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.