God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
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ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.