Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
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All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?