It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
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*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Me, flirting😏
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.