It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
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I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
british sex workers really pound for pound
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.