clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
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[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I told my vodka about you.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.