me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
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Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Krampus.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up