When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
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This is enough internet for the day.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.