Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
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Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.