I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
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Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.