9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
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Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3