9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
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[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
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The Sun’s probably Asian.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck