Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
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I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
That’s easy for you to say
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”