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In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression