me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
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*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Plumber: I think I found the problem
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy