If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
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Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies