An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
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I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Holy moly
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?