An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.![]()
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Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
And that about sums it up.
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I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
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Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
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Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt