I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
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i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?