Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
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I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.