You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
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Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Google Pay be like:
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.