The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
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“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
fourth time’s the charm
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him