Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
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guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
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*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.