Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
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I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
forgive me baja for i have blast
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
12653.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.