Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
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Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
i really liked this one
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask