Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
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Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Kids, do not try this at home!
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that