“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
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FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right