Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
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Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Support your local cemetery
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
accurate
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)