You Might Also Like
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I support this random dude and all his protests
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.