Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
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interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
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I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them