no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
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why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.