Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
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When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*