@Just__J0 Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
@CrockettForReal The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
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@Just__J0 When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
@Daveastated Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
@goodhairperson I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
@slimmy_shady If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
@blondediva11 My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
@KEVINGETEM Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
@kyry5 At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
@juneohara65 I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
@Tmoney68 [Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*