The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
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How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
english majors be like furthermore
Mornin
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play