@CrockettForReal

The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year

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@Just__J0

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

@

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

@Daveastated

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.

@goodhairperson

I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides

@slimmy_shady

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

@blondediva11

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

@KEVINGETEM

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

@kyry5

At a business meeting:

“How about SuperCupid?”

“No, expectations will be too high”

“GreatCupid?”

“Lower”

“Uhhh, OKCupid?”

“Brilliant”

@juneohara65

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

@Tmoney68

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*