Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
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Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
courtroom exchange of the day
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.