Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
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Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
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[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
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ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.